Immediately rewarded with a perfect 10-point ride, the manoeuvre secured John John a thrilling last-minute win over fellow Hawaiian rookie Sebastian Zietz.

“I was in the air, and then I saw the bottom, everything happened so fast and I just landed perfect,” said Florence after his heat. “I think I claimed it super hard but I was super stoked. The ankle brace gives me confidence to do things and it’s actually feeling really good now. I’m so stoked to be back in the water, and surfing out here. The waves are amazing. I was sitting up there earlier watching the air wind, and I was super psyched on trying to do an air. But I had to calm myself down not to go out there and try airs the whole time. Then that one came and had that section on it, and I just went for it.”

The boys couldn’t be happier.

This is a shot from the opening ceremony of the Oakley Pro Keramas. Sure there was good waves ridden, and I won’t pretend there wasn’t nubile young women sluicing in tiny bikinis by the pool, but this shot just had so many bad heads, so many wrong faces, we just had to run with it. I looked at their heads and then I wrote this.

Jon Jon (backrow, second from left): “I was doing my ten minute routine, stretching, the whole bit, I looked and saw Jon Jon just lounging and lying around by the pool,” says Adam Melling. “Four minutes before the heat he gets up all lazy, goes to get his shirt and then does the biggest aerial anyone has ever seen. So, really, what do you do?” We have no idea either Adam.

CJ Hobgood (back row, middle) : I am happy, I am Hobgood. I was unhappy once, for about three seconds. I like this hat. I look good in this heat. Later on he needed an 8 in the last three minutes. He got it, he smiled.

Jack Robinson (second back row, second from left): That’s him giggling like a kid. That’s cause he is a kid, and you’d be laughing too if you surfed as good as him, as often as him. While he had a shocker in heat with Kelly Slater, and had a total two heat score of 9, this kids is beyond the real deal.  “It’s pretty good out here eh,” he told me, in one of his 18 freesurfs.  “I am going to go out the back and get a big one.” Which he did, repeatedly. The little prick.

Adam Melling (second back row, third from left: “He seems happy. But then in the surf I saw him get dropped in by an eight year old Brazilian with blonde hair down to his waist. “He looked like one of those remote control surfers. It was too ridiculous for words.”

Kieren Perrow (Second backrow fifth from left): Looks happy, he should be. In round 1, he lost his heat but did the biggest aerial of his life and landed it clean as a whistle. “It was different to my usual airs in that I didn’t land on my fins,” he said. “I was as surprised as anyone. Then I gave a Toledo a fucking two footer and he won the heat.”

Mick Fanning (second backrow, centre): This is a face that says, I know who I am. I know everything about me. I know I have a towel on my head and I don’t care. Won his first round heat, no airs, pure power, pure belief. Bad head though.

Michel Bourez (second back row, third from right): Coming out of the ceremony I asked if he was in fact a middle ages warrior sent from an Asian past to wreak l havoc on the world. He said “No”.

Adriano DeSouza (second back row, far right): Perched here, in a schoolboy stance, like a naughty boy caught by the headmaster. Out in the freesurf I was impressed as he talked up a local grommet, heaped praise and made the kid’s year. Five minutes later, he burned me on the best (and only) wave of my freesurf. I was less impressed.

Seabass (front row, far left): I asked Seabass to tell me a joke and he said, “What do you get when you throw an infant down some stairs. I dunno, what do you get when you throw an infant down some stairs,” I replied. “A boner.” What a sick fuck, what a legend. He had a beer in his hand, he had scored a 19.8 and was still smashed by Jon Jon in the first round. Came back in the second and destroyed the place.

Ace (front row, third from left): He doesn’t look happy, which is unusual. He did one very big turn for one very big score. He’s thinking hard here. He’s thinking I have a very good backhand, but I can’t do airs. This is a problem I can’t resolve.

Jordy Smith (front row, fourth from left): “I have been working on my claims,” he told me. “Bru you got to have fresh content, you got a bust out new gear, or shit gets stale. Just save it for the quarters, no one wants to see that stuff in the early rounds.” And I reckon you could book him for the quarters now. He destroyed onshore Keramas. He is my new favourite. Next to his girlfriend, who I saw in the pool. He’s looking at her here. It’s been 20 seconds since he’s seen her, and it’s freaking him out.

No way, that grab was a rotation lien, not an alley oop,. The Wags discuss the action.

Matt Wilkinson (front row, second from right): “I am not okay, I am very fucking far from okay,’ he said just after is round one shocker. “Are you kidding me, that was shit. Low tide, only one section to do anything, which was completely dry. It’ (s sharp, its urchined infested. Did I mention I am not happy.”

The good news is it sounds like they’re stoked on the end result.

Dane – “so craig flew into california on may 7th to edit slow dance and we had a potential may 27th deadline. that deadline turned into june 17th which is today. judgement day. man, making movies aint easy. two tracks were in limbo till this morning, but they cleared! and we still have a few minor tweaks to make but we’re turning it tomorrow. one day late. i think it turned out dope. i feel fat and stiff from sitting at the computer pretty much all day every day since may 7th but it’s been sweet. psycked to be a surfer again. tomorrow i will board a flight and go somewhere where i can surf all day and melt away. but for now, tomorrow is judgement day, and this is a webclip.”

That’s right, to celebrate he’s treating everyone to a new webclip. Head on over to Marine Layer Productions to watch it and then sit tight for ‘Slow Dance’ this coming July.

Some people, and I used to be one of them, claim eating eggs is a bit like eating (calcified shell coated) hen period. There is some element of truth there, in that the egg, like the period, is the result of unfertilized ovulation. I personally only converted to egg when I was 20, and for the first few years had to coat them in a kilo of salt. Before that, I had no truck with them at all. These days, I eat eggs all the time, I love their nutrition, the versatility, relative value for money and their fun! While egg has been in fashion for centuries, today’s protein loving carb shunning folk love em too. Whether you eat just the white, or the yolk too, eggs will make you surf better.

SCRAMBLED

A veritable minefield of fuck ups. Rubbery, watery, lumpy… it’s amazing how many people kook a relatively simple process involving two ingredients (egg, butter). Keep it simple: don’t have the pan too hot, keep em moving gently, take them off the heat a minute or so be- fore they’re ready as they’ll keep cooking as you serve/carry them onto the lanai.

SCRAMBLED IN MICROWAVE

If you can’t be arsed to put butter in a pan and stir with wooden spoon, check this: Get a coffee cup. Crack an egg in, beat with fork. Optional drop of milk, stir. Blast on medium for 2 mins. Toast an English muffin. Tip cup and prise egg out gently, and the scrambled radness comes out round, perfectly fitting your muffin. Apply spicy sauce, swear loudly at how good it tastes between bites.

BOILED

Seriously, if you are that stupid you need advice on how to boil an egg, you are beyond help. Just give up.

POACHED

Ah now we’re getting some- where. Give your nearly boiling water a good swirl before gently dropping your egg in from a cup, maybe having put a drop of vinegar in the water to keep your whites awesome. Salads, brekkie, on toast, wowsers the poach is waffly versatile.

FRIED

Yuck! This is 2013… Nobody eats fried egg.

OMELETTE

Loads of different methods, but the one thing to bear in mind is keep it moving unless you want it rubber pancake style (if you are going for traditional fold over). Otherwise, for a radical low washing-up/high taste hit, sautee your veg (pepper, onion, tom, shroom etc) in your pan, pour your beaten eggs in, let set, then bung under a hot grill and watch that stuff lift and go golden brown. Shit me. Eat it now or whack it twixt a couple of slices of wholemeal for packed lunch between-sessions radness later. Win-win.

• Eggs tend to stop you plopping, so balance their intake with high fibre poopy type foods.
•• They’ll fill you without bloating. You don’t need to wait two hours before paddling out.
••• If you’ve got your own chooks in the yard, well then you’re awesome in my book.
•••• p.s. Always eat with your mouth closed, and swallow before talking, please.

The first day of the inaugural Oakley Pro Bali kicked off in head high plus surf last night/this morning. Going from the scoreboard, the final heat of the Round was the one to be watching. John John bested Sebastian Zietz 19.87 to 19.37. With Seabass in the lead in the neck-and-neck battle, John John caught a mid-sized set in the dying seconds to launch into a stratospheric alley-oop that all five of the judges acclaimed with a perfect 10 point ride, taking the win.

An ecstatic Florence commented: “I was in the air and saw the bottom and everything happened so fast that I was just reacting. I claimed it pretty hard, but I was so stoked. The ankle is strapped but the brace gives me a lot of confidence and it feels good out there. Just psyched to be at Keramas, this wave is amazing and the boys are ripping so hard.”

Other strong performances came for Mick Fanning, Jordy Smith, Nat Young, as well as Michel Bourez and Jeremy Flores.

“The wind turned offshore right before our heat and I knew there were going to be some barrels,” Flores said. “Kelly bet it with Belly that it was going to happen and I was like yeeees !! I know that with the size there is now at Keramas, that wave is one of the best in the world so I’m happy that for once it went my way. The last few heats I’ve had I lost by 0.03 0.07 so I was like please not this time, I’m stoked ! I was clearly looking for barrels, lately I’ve been injuring myself doing airs so I’m still a little scared and I definitely like it better when it’s barrelling. Bali is just another one of those places where you just enjoy every moment, I’ve been having so much fun since I’m here, same as Fiji and probably Tahiti coming up, so yeah that’s exactly the kind of event I live for.”

Top seeds Parko, Taj and Kelly will all surf in Round 2.

OAKLEY PRO BALI ROUND 1 RESULTS:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 12.93, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 12.17, Dusty Payne (HAW) 8.60
Heat 2: Fredrick Patacchia (HAW) 12.67, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.00, Travis Logie (ZAF) 0.00
Heat 3: Yadin Nicol (AUS) 14.56, Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.93, Taj Burrow (AUS) 12.63
Heat 4: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.46, Oney Anwar (IND) 11.93, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 9.03
Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 14.56, Brett Simpson (USA) 6.83, Bruce Irons (HAW) 5.50
Heat 6: Damien Hobgood (USA) 14.10, Kelly Slater (USA) 12.00, Jack Robinson (AUS) 5.83
Heat 7: Nat Young (USA) 17.03, Willian Cardoso (BRA) 13.90, Kai Otton (AUS) 13.40
Heat 8: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.07, Kieren Perrow (AUS) 15.50, Josh Kerr (AUS) 11.67
Heat 9: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 16.43, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 15.17, Raoni Monteiro (BRA) 8.17
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (PYF) 17.30, Adam Melling (AUS) 14.10, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.93
Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 16.94, Julian Wilson (AUS) 16.77, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 13.90
Heat 12: John John Florence (HAW) 19.87, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 19.37, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 13.60

OAKLEY PRO BALI ROUND 2 MATCH-UPS:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Jack Robinson (AUS)
Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) vs. Bruce Irons (HAW)
Heat 3: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Oney Anwar (IND)
Heat 4: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 5: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 6: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Kieren Perrow (AUS)
Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Raoni Monteiro (BRA)
Heat 8: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 9: Kai Otton (AUS) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 10: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 11: Travis Logie (ZAF) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)
Heat 12: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)

“The beauty of bodysurfing is if it’s waist high you can be getting totally barrelled in the most critical part of the wave whereas if you’re standing on a board then you probably won’t be.”

For more on the film got to www.torpedopeople.com.

Strange, strange things happen in Bali. I once heard about a guy who got off the beaten track checking the surf, and stumbled across a ghost funeral procession for a local that died 50 years earlier… Crazy.
Today, even wierder than that, Keiren Perrow did an air (!) and got an 8… madness!

You look big, man… you been liftin? Photo: Timo

WAGs, poolside. If you can name them all then you probably need to get out more. Photo: Timo

That’s it, settled. The Top 34 are converting to Balinese Hinduism. Look how stoked they are. Photo: Timo

The only thing better than watching the CT live is watching the CT live whilst urinating in the pool the WAGs will soon swim in. Ahhhhhh. Taj. Photo: Timo

Full radness from our man Mondy comin real soon!

But you might do well to hog the waves on a log too. Going for $275 a pop, more is very often better when it comes to having fun and mega floatation the log delivers!

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